As Long as We Got Each Other

In my guest blogging gig for BYOJJ I wanted to combine as many of Courtney's loves as possible. This post will incorporate Golden Retrievers, Idaho, 80s television (more specifically Growing Pains), Internet Dating and Leonardo DiCaprio. The question I intend to answer is:Which fictional character from TV's Growing Pains would be the best romantic match for our very own real life Courtney (using the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility from eHarmony)?

I believe that this topic was floated to me in the hopes that I would just make some jokes and Courtney would end up with Leonardo DiCaprio on a yacht somewhere. I am not that easy. I am going to drop some serious science on this shit. I am going to make sure that there is a real love connection between Courtney and her fictional Growing Pains lover. Who's ready?

I am basing my analysis of the Growing Pains characters on my ever diminishing memory, and whatever the internets tells me. I am also making a lot of blanket judgments/assumptions about Courtney that may or may not be true. I have known her for a pretty long time, but don't know her as well as I should. It is probably because I am married and irresistible to the ladies. I try not to get too close to anyone and play with their hearts. Also I am a little worried that Casey will beat them/me up. For that I apologize.

Ok. So I have already spent wayyyyy too much time thinking about this blog post so I am not going to break down all 29 eHarmony dimensions of compatibility. Luckily the 29 dimensions already break down into 7 main categories: Emotional Temperament, Social Style, Cognitive Mode, Physicality, Relationship Skills, Key Experiences and finally Values & Beliefs.

Here is a list of the main characters on Growing Pains:

Dr. Jason Seaver

Maggie Seaver

Mike Seaver

Carol Seaver

Ben Seaver

Chrissy Seaver

Luke Brower

Richard Stabone (Boner)

In the interest of time (after much deliberation) I have decided to eliminate some characters right off the bat.Characters out in the first round:

Maggie Seaver - As far as I know, Courtney is not into the ladies. If she was then I would definitely keep Maggie in the running. She is 80s mom hot, and she is a career woman. I could picture them going to happy hour together during the week and then taking weekend getaways to a cabin in the woods.

Carol Seaver - Does anyone want to be with Carol Seaver? I did find an episode where Brad Pitt's character was into her, but I think that was outside of the norm. She was smart, but that is where any interest in her would end. She often wore a gaudy sweatshirt and gigantor glasses.

Ben Seaver - Let's face it. Ben is an ugly annoying filler character. He is the Vanessa from the Cosby show.

Chrissy Seaver - She is a child with a red afro.

Richard Stabone (Boner) - I felt like if I left Boner in the competition I would just be taking shots at him, and he wouldn't win anyway. As the actor who played Boner is dead I felt it would be right to leave him out of this. Boner.

That leaves us with only 3 young (or old) studs vying for Courtney's affections: Dr. Jason Seaver, Mike Seaver* & Luke Brower (Leo). Let's do this.

* If this competition for Courtney was based on the actors and not the fictional characters then Kirk Cameron would easily have been eliminated. Has any child actor gone so far to the dark side?

1. Emotional Temperament: I would say that Courtney is confident (but vulnerable), emotional (see previous post about crying) and very emotional (crying, not above screaming & yelling in all situations (Lawyering, Roller Derby & Socially)).

Mike Seaver was kind of a loose cannon. He was also very emotional and acted without thinking things through. I'm not sure that two emotional creatures should be together for the long run. Dr. Jason Seaver was very in control of his emotions. Maybe it was his Psychiatric training, or maybe just his thick luscious head of hair but he was stone cold. Now Luke Brower might fall somewhere in between. He was very with it and charming at times, but he had a bit of anger about his Dad being an absentee truck driver. I am going to give the win in this category to Luke Brower.

2. Social Style: Ms. BYOJJ relates well to people & craves company. I think this is based on the fact that she grew up in Idaho where there are no people. She is just happy to have anyone around. She also really likes to have a Golden Retriever at her side at all times. She loves to drink socially, and loves to be social but does not always have to go along with the crowd.

Dr. Jason Seaver might have had a time in his past when he was a social butterfly, but that time has long since past. He lives and works in the house, and rarely ventures out late at night. Luke Brower is on the young side. He likes people, but has a hard time trusting them enough to have a solid group of friends. Mike Seaver is always out and about. Have you seen his sweet VW convertible. How could you live with yourself if you let that sit in the driveway. No it needs to be seen. Just like Mike Seaver and just like Courtney. The win in this category goes to Mike Seaver.

3. Cognitive Mode: Courtney is very intelligent and constantly looking for challenges. I would counter that by saying most people are intelligent for not going to law school, but since she finished it I have to give her some props. There is also a minor deduction for going to High School in Idaho, but all in all I'm going to stick with the assessment that she is intelligent. (I'm sad to say that Idaho is one of the 6 states I have never been to. After my jokes I'm not sure they'll let me in).

In the Growing Pains world this one is not even close. I can remember many episodes where Mike is having trouble keeping his grades up. He is not smart. I kind of want him and Dr. Seaver to go on Maury for a paternity test. I think that Maggie might have been messing around with a fellow news reporter and Mike is the result. Do you remember the episode when he wrote all the answers to his test on the bottom of his shoes and then put his feet on the desk? He is too dumb to cheat. Since Luke was only on the show for one season it is hard to get a read on his smarts, but I would certainly rank his intelligence ahead of Mike. That leaves an easy pick for winner of the Cognitive Mode category: Dr. Seaver. He is uber smart (Doctor smart) and he has a thick head of hair to keep his brains warm at all times.

**Can you believe that we have a 3 way tie after 3 categories. I sure hope someone makes a move.

4. Physicality: Courtney is very athletic. She is a jock (whether she admits it or not, and I think she would) and a long distance runner. She also has many track suits and sweat bands. I suspect that most of the exercise is only there to counter her extreme love of pizza and candy, but she puts in the work none the less.

Dr. Seaver is in good shape for an older guy with a mess of kids, but I don't think he could keep up. Maybe 10 years from now they would be a good match, but not now. I mean seriously, Courtney is pretty much doing jello shots and running marathons on a daily basis. Luke, let's face it, is kind of a shrimp on the show. He is more of a loveable wisecracker than an athletic force. Now Mike Seaver, that guy is athletic and put together. Have you seen his triceps? I can't confirm this, but I think he got moved to the room above the garage because he was bothering the rest of the family with his constant chair dips. I also found quite a few pictures of Mike wearing a blazer, which I know is something that really gets Ms. BYOJJ going. The winner of the Physicality category is Mike Seaver.

5. Relationship Skills: Courtney is hard to read on the relationship skills. She has had both short and long term relationships, and she is willing to put effort into all of her relationships. But who on Growing Pains would be the best match?

Luke is young, but successful with his short relationships. Dr. Seaver has had one long relationship that he works hard for. Mike has had long relationships, but he seems to have a lot of them. Since Mike seemed to get more boring on the show when he had a girlfriend (when he should have been chasing tail) I am going to give the win to Luke. He is sort of an unknown just like our Courtney.

6. Key Experiences:This is going to look like a setup, but I assure you I am just making these determinations as I go. Courtney has lived a good life. She has seen a lot of the world in a short time. She also has a good relationship with her family and is highly educated.

Luke is too young to have experienced much in the world. Mike has some accomplishments, but he is still not smart and lives above a garage. He tried to get out and be on his own, but couldn't quite do it. I don't really remember what happens to him or anyone else in the family. Dr. Seaver has lived life, has a demanding job and raises his family. I'm going to give this one to Dr. Seaver.

***No way. There is another 3 way tie going into the last category.

7. Values & Beliefs:Courtney has some very distinct values & beliefs that a lot of people don't know about. She believes in PAGAN rituals above all. She used to be part of a cult that wore candy necklaces and worshipped a Golden Retriever wearing a track suit. To summarize...she is very traditional.

Who from Growing Pains is traditional, but still likes to partay? I really think that Mike and Dr. Seaver are too focused on long term relationships and family. They basically have the same values & beliefs when you think long term. Who does that leave? The cute orphan with the tormented heart of gold? Yes.The Winner and future Mr. BYOJJ:Luke Brower (as played by Leonardo DiCaprio)

I'm not sure what the future holds for these two. They might not be a perfect match on paper (and I might just be setting them up for a torrid love affair), but they might be able to make it work. It is really up to Luke to grow up and make this relationship work.

Do you know how much I wanted to use this picture?

I just couldn't say anything positive about Kirk Cameron or any character he played. He is a nut job. Did you know that there were 2 Growing Pains movies after the show ended? Seriously 2 movies: The Growing Pains Movie and Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers. I couldn't watch them before finishing this post, because it might have proved many of my theories wrong (it did give Luke extra points that he was in no way involved in the movies). I'm ashamed to say I might try to watch them in the near future.

Sorry this was long.

Love, emergencypudding

Jeff writes a very funny blog that you should read if you know what is good for you. 1000% BYOJJ endorsed. http://www.emergencypudding.blogspot.com/

Steve Jobs Killed Your Manners

Tonight I went to a fine taco dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant in St. Louis, El Paisano. Please note that my favoritism of El Paisano is directly correlated to my perception that they have, without contest, the strongest margaritas in town. In any town. They have four sizes of margaritas. The first size is a regular glass. The second size is a small fishbowl. This will get you pretty damn buzzed. The third size is a large fishbowl. One fateful evening, I drank one of these with my friend Mike. When I went home, I sprawled out on my couch and had the distinct sensation that I was getting more and more drunk for what felt like 9 days AFTER leaving the restaurant. I never ordered that size again. The fourth size is a small aquarium and you will probably get alcohol poisoning if you drink that monstrosity on your own. I can't find a good picture of the largest size of margaritas, but don't these look tasty?

Anyway, I digress. (P.S. I wish the dudes at El Paisano read this blog and gave me some free shit for promoting their awesomely strong margs. But the guy who served us tonight admitted that he actually hates us. Whether he was kidding was lost in translation.)

In this rambling about deliciously strong margaritas, I pretty much forgot the point of this post... Oh yes! My friend and guest blogger Dana/Grave Danger was at dinner and she had just, moments before, purchased her first iPhone. Dana (no offense fellowe) was pretty damn rude at dinner. Dana spent at least 50 minutes at the restaurant glued to her phone, completely ignoring the rest of us talking about the merit of various sexual activities and fried food at the Texas State Fair (they have fried beer, y'all!). Dana is not the first person to develop a strong infatuation with her iPhone at the expense of all actual human beings around her. Every person who gets an iPhone does this. I recall that before I had an iPhone (in my sweet flip phone days), I used to constantly resent every person with an iPhone and make tons of snide comments about how these aholes had "no manners!!!!"

Well, then I got an iPhone and I became the ahole. Have I spent endless, countless hours ignoring my friends and family in the name of texting people or scrolling through facebook and twitter posts? Yes. Do I feel bad about this behavior? Of course. Do I stop behaving like this? Not a chance. So what is the deal? How has it become the norm for people to think it's actually ok to pay more attention to their phones than to the people they are hanging out with? Because it's rude. It is 1000% rude. But I and most people I know seem to have no qualms doing this. What's up with that?

Here's what's up with that. Steve Jobs stole our manners.

If you are a child of 21st century technology, Steve Jobs is 100% responsible for you not having any manners. Steve Jobs invented, in some capacity, little baby computers that are more interesting than the people we love and depend on daily. This makes the decay of our society his fault. The blood is on his rich ass hands.

Side tangent. Steve Jobs, the dude responsible for the general disintegration of our respect for others, wants us to have manners in two distinct areas. Number one. The use of swear words. The iPhone's autocorrect is generally an amazing thing. But Steve Jobs does not want you to cuss in your text messaging. Every single swear word corrects to a non-swear word. Believe me, if I had $5 for every time I've had "shit" corrected to "shut," I would fucking own this town. Except if I texted "I fucking own this town" to Mayor Slay, my iPhone would autocorrect it to say "I ducking own this town." I could take this as a lesson that I should not cuss like a sailor. Duck that.

Number two. The viewing of porn on your iPhone. As in, Steve Jobs won't let you do it. There are practically a bajillion apps you can purchase or download for free on your iPhone. However, none of these are going to be too sexy. Earlier this year, Apple purged from its app store any app that is even remotely sexy. The target that made news was an app called Wobble iBoobs, which I guess is no longer available. Among the guidelines that have been cited in Apple's sexy app policy: no woman in bikinis (huh?), no men in bikinis (YES!!!), no skin, no sexual connotations or innuendo. Clearly this is not a hard and fast rule, because you can still find some apps for sexual positions and crap like that. But if you want your porn in app form, get an Android.

Anyway, I would be remiss if I did not spend a moment discussing my deep and unconditional love for the iPhone. My iPhone is almost definitely the greatest thing I have ever purchased in the my 29 years of existence. (Wait, what about Ellie? I don't know, Ellie can't give me directions or order me a pizza.) My friend Jim asked me if I would give up my iPhone for $300 and it seemed like the dumbest question ever. Like if someone asked me "Would you stop drinking alcohol if I gave you unlimited candy for life?" No question, absolutely not, and you all know how much I love candy. I'm not sure I would give up my iPhone (or drinking, for that matter) for a million dollars. It's THAT great.

But the astounding power of the smart phone does not excuse the complete decay of manners in my age group. And probably all age groups younger than mine. Actually wait a second. My mom does this same shit on her iPhone, except it's just stupid games and texting. ALL demographics have been infected by this problem. The weird thing is that everyone recognizes it's rude, but nobody stops doing it. Reasons:

1. Your urge to text that cute boy or girl far overrides your urge to be polite to your friends.

2. Your friends are also ignoring you as they play Words with Friends, so you have a green light to ignore them as you read twitter.

The problem appears to be that as more people get smart phones, they willingly engage in the bad behavior, which makes others feel enabled to also engage in the bad behavior. It's a domino effect. Like, I feel guilty about eating pizza, but if my friend comes over and eats pizza with me, I feel a lot better about it. That's why people commit crimes in groups. That's why people join fraternities. Bad behavior is always made to seem more acceptable if your friends are doing it.

So I challenge you to take a stand. Put down your phone during dinner. We cannot let Steve Jobs ducking win this battle.

The Art of Crying

Hello Fellowes!

Dana Danger here for this guest installment of BYOJJ.

Today’s topic: The Art of Crying


I’ve never been a believable boo-hooer. I can remember crying once to “get my way” and at that moment “getting my way” was not going to jail. It involved a hubcap, a side mirror, an alarm clock, Mother’s Day and speeds almost in the triple digits in a place called Ware-Wolf Lake. Not my best moment, but I was proud that I didn’t have to call my mother and grandmother to bail me out of jail on Mother’s Day. $600 and 2 years probation later, all was forgiven.

I am sure you regular readers of this blog know that Mayor (or the secular “Courtney”) is... well, a crybaby. I mean it in the nicest of ways, of course. As her friend and teammate I have seen her cry over a myriad of things. When she is happy, when she is sad, when she is stressed. At BYOJJ: The Birthday Party she cried like a girl who had witnessed a puppy getting run over by an 18-wheeler. I can state with confidence that she probably cries during Hallmark commercials. Most importantly, this woman will pull the ultimate chick move: crying to GET HER WAY.

This leads me to my point: Crying to get your way is an art form. Living in a world of reality t.v., we see our reality show heroines are either Miss Universe Pageant winners in their artful dabbing of tears or total psychos who flail wildly with proclamations that he really was “the one”.

(Seriously. That girl is ridiculous. Really? Who believes this stuff?)

Who doesn’t love the big tough sports star who wins our hearts by thanking his momma and God for the title win? That is where magazine covers and Wheaties endorsements are born!

So here you go kids. Consider this your guide to crying to get what you want, broken down into five easy steps!

Step 1: Care about what you are trying to get.

Crocodile tears over something you don’t really care about is just wasting time. Plus, it ruins your chances for getting your way over something you really do want in the future!

Step 2: Easy does it.

When you have determined that the only way to get to the goal is to cry, don’t overact and move into sobbing immediately. Going from calm but slightly emotional to a blubbering snot-faced mess, will make your target think “Whoa, maybe she just needs some Midol.”

Instead, let those tears well up a bit and get a bit of a quiver in your voice. If you are having troubles, draw from your memory. Remember your childhood pet Sparky. You miss Sparky, don’t you? Wasn’t Sparky your best friend? Thaaaat’s right.

Step 3: Just a dab!

Kleenex is not necessary at this point, but the gentle dabbing under the eyes can be very effective at relaying to the target that you are Not. Going. To. Cry. About. This. Take a deep breath and look upwards to emphasize that you are a rational person trying to keep it together but clearly your target does not get it and is being a bit ignorant about the entire conversation.

Sniffling is not encouraged at this point as it denotes that the battle is over and your target has won. Sniffling is for LOSERS.

Step 4: Make THE FACE.

As the conversation continues and your target is not budging, now is the time to think about how they are so IRRATIONAL and MEAN! You have never witnessed someone so cold and heartless since HITLER. But... its ok. You are like a wildflower.... delicate yet able to withstand the harshest of those cutting prairie winds.

At this point, your eyes should be at full-welling (tears... any... second!) and lower lip should be quivering. You are in full frowny face mode. You are UNHAPPY. The target is BREAKING YOUR HEART. At this point, you may want to question them. Do you even LIKE me? Am I being FIRED?

Step 5: BRING IT!

This is a quick shift from Step 4 where you stop questioning your target and hit full Waterworks. We have reached the point of no return. Explain that you are... (sob)... just....(hiccup) trying... to do... (sob) your best. Apologize for being such a disappointment! Bury your face in your hands! Pride? WHAT PRIDE? YOU HAVE NO PRIDE.

The idea is to confuse your target. They go from the attacked to the attacker! Look at what they did to you! There, there, they tell you. You aren’t a terrible person and let’s see what we can work out. No need to get all worked up over something that we can resolve together! Maybe you should take that day off... clearly you need to unwind.

Now, relax! Take some deep breaths. An embarrassed chuckle would help. After all, this is so UNLIKE you!

And there you go. You now have gotten your way and are only slightly worse for the wear. You didn’t need all that pride anyway. Now go splash some cold water on your face, drink a bottle of water and get back to work. On your way out, could you please hand me the tissues? I’m feeling a bit verklempt.

*In her spare time Dana Danger passes out candy to sick children, helps old ladies across the street, enjoys a good cross stitch and loves hugs.