As Long as We Got Each Other

In my guest blogging gig for BYOJJ I wanted to combine as many of Courtney's loves as possible. This post will incorporate Golden Retrievers, Idaho, 80s television (more specifically Growing Pains), Internet Dating and Leonardo DiCaprio. The question I intend to answer is:Which fictional character from TV's Growing Pains would be the best romantic match for our very own real life Courtney (using the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility from eHarmony)?

I believe that this topic was floated to me in the hopes that I would just make some jokes and Courtney would end up with Leonardo DiCaprio on a yacht somewhere. I am not that easy. I am going to drop some serious science on this shit. I am going to make sure that there is a real love connection between Courtney and her fictional Growing Pains lover. Who's ready?

I am basing my analysis of the Growing Pains characters on my ever diminishing memory, and whatever the internets tells me. I am also making a lot of blanket judgments/assumptions about Courtney that may or may not be true. I have known her for a pretty long time, but don't know her as well as I should. It is probably because I am married and irresistible to the ladies. I try not to get too close to anyone and play with their hearts. Also I am a little worried that Casey will beat them/me up. For that I apologize.

Ok. So I have already spent wayyyyy too much time thinking about this blog post so I am not going to break down all 29 eHarmony dimensions of compatibility. Luckily the 29 dimensions already break down into 7 main categories: Emotional Temperament, Social Style, Cognitive Mode, Physicality, Relationship Skills, Key Experiences and finally Values & Beliefs.

Here is a list of the main characters on Growing Pains:

Dr. Jason Seaver

Maggie Seaver

Mike Seaver

Carol Seaver

Ben Seaver

Chrissy Seaver

Luke Brower

Richard Stabone (Boner)

In the interest of time (after much deliberation) I have decided to eliminate some characters right off the bat.Characters out in the first round:

Maggie Seaver - As far as I know, Courtney is not into the ladies. If she was then I would definitely keep Maggie in the running. She is 80s mom hot, and she is a career woman. I could picture them going to happy hour together during the week and then taking weekend getaways to a cabin in the woods.

Carol Seaver - Does anyone want to be with Carol Seaver? I did find an episode where Brad Pitt's character was into her, but I think that was outside of the norm. She was smart, but that is where any interest in her would end. She often wore a gaudy sweatshirt and gigantor glasses.

Ben Seaver - Let's face it. Ben is an ugly annoying filler character. He is the Vanessa from the Cosby show.

Chrissy Seaver - She is a child with a red afro.

Richard Stabone (Boner) - I felt like if I left Boner in the competition I would just be taking shots at him, and he wouldn't win anyway. As the actor who played Boner is dead I felt it would be right to leave him out of this. Boner.

That leaves us with only 3 young (or old) studs vying for Courtney's affections: Dr. Jason Seaver, Mike Seaver* & Luke Brower (Leo). Let's do this.

* If this competition for Courtney was based on the actors and not the fictional characters then Kirk Cameron would easily have been eliminated. Has any child actor gone so far to the dark side?

1. Emotional Temperament: I would say that Courtney is confident (but vulnerable), emotional (see previous post about crying) and very emotional (crying, not above screaming & yelling in all situations (Lawyering, Roller Derby & Socially)).

Mike Seaver was kind of a loose cannon. He was also very emotional and acted without thinking things through. I'm not sure that two emotional creatures should be together for the long run. Dr. Jason Seaver was very in control of his emotions. Maybe it was his Psychiatric training, or maybe just his thick luscious head of hair but he was stone cold. Now Luke Brower might fall somewhere in between. He was very with it and charming at times, but he had a bit of anger about his Dad being an absentee truck driver. I am going to give the win in this category to Luke Brower.

2. Social Style: Ms. BYOJJ relates well to people & craves company. I think this is based on the fact that she grew up in Idaho where there are no people. She is just happy to have anyone around. She also really likes to have a Golden Retriever at her side at all times. She loves to drink socially, and loves to be social but does not always have to go along with the crowd.

Dr. Jason Seaver might have had a time in his past when he was a social butterfly, but that time has long since past. He lives and works in the house, and rarely ventures out late at night. Luke Brower is on the young side. He likes people, but has a hard time trusting them enough to have a solid group of friends. Mike Seaver is always out and about. Have you seen his sweet VW convertible. How could you live with yourself if you let that sit in the driveway. No it needs to be seen. Just like Mike Seaver and just like Courtney. The win in this category goes to Mike Seaver.

3. Cognitive Mode: Courtney is very intelligent and constantly looking for challenges. I would counter that by saying most people are intelligent for not going to law school, but since she finished it I have to give her some props. There is also a minor deduction for going to High School in Idaho, but all in all I'm going to stick with the assessment that she is intelligent. (I'm sad to say that Idaho is one of the 6 states I have never been to. After my jokes I'm not sure they'll let me in).

In the Growing Pains world this one is not even close. I can remember many episodes where Mike is having trouble keeping his grades up. He is not smart. I kind of want him and Dr. Seaver to go on Maury for a paternity test. I think that Maggie might have been messing around with a fellow news reporter and Mike is the result. Do you remember the episode when he wrote all the answers to his test on the bottom of his shoes and then put his feet on the desk? He is too dumb to cheat. Since Luke was only on the show for one season it is hard to get a read on his smarts, but I would certainly rank his intelligence ahead of Mike. That leaves an easy pick for winner of the Cognitive Mode category: Dr. Seaver. He is uber smart (Doctor smart) and he has a thick head of hair to keep his brains warm at all times.

**Can you believe that we have a 3 way tie after 3 categories. I sure hope someone makes a move.

4. Physicality: Courtney is very athletic. She is a jock (whether she admits it or not, and I think she would) and a long distance runner. She also has many track suits and sweat bands. I suspect that most of the exercise is only there to counter her extreme love of pizza and candy, but she puts in the work none the less.

Dr. Seaver is in good shape for an older guy with a mess of kids, but I don't think he could keep up. Maybe 10 years from now they would be a good match, but not now. I mean seriously, Courtney is pretty much doing jello shots and running marathons on a daily basis. Luke, let's face it, is kind of a shrimp on the show. He is more of a loveable wisecracker than an athletic force. Now Mike Seaver, that guy is athletic and put together. Have you seen his triceps? I can't confirm this, but I think he got moved to the room above the garage because he was bothering the rest of the family with his constant chair dips. I also found quite a few pictures of Mike wearing a blazer, which I know is something that really gets Ms. BYOJJ going. The winner of the Physicality category is Mike Seaver.

5. Relationship Skills: Courtney is hard to read on the relationship skills. She has had both short and long term relationships, and she is willing to put effort into all of her relationships. But who on Growing Pains would be the best match?

Luke is young, but successful with his short relationships. Dr. Seaver has had one long relationship that he works hard for. Mike has had long relationships, but he seems to have a lot of them. Since Mike seemed to get more boring on the show when he had a girlfriend (when he should have been chasing tail) I am going to give the win to Luke. He is sort of an unknown just like our Courtney.

6. Key Experiences:This is going to look like a setup, but I assure you I am just making these determinations as I go. Courtney has lived a good life. She has seen a lot of the world in a short time. She also has a good relationship with her family and is highly educated.

Luke is too young to have experienced much in the world. Mike has some accomplishments, but he is still not smart and lives above a garage. He tried to get out and be on his own, but couldn't quite do it. I don't really remember what happens to him or anyone else in the family. Dr. Seaver has lived life, has a demanding job and raises his family. I'm going to give this one to Dr. Seaver.

***No way. There is another 3 way tie going into the last category.

7. Values & Beliefs:Courtney has some very distinct values & beliefs that a lot of people don't know about. She believes in PAGAN rituals above all. She used to be part of a cult that wore candy necklaces and worshipped a Golden Retriever wearing a track suit. To summarize...she is very traditional.

Who from Growing Pains is traditional, but still likes to partay? I really think that Mike and Dr. Seaver are too focused on long term relationships and family. They basically have the same values & beliefs when you think long term. Who does that leave? The cute orphan with the tormented heart of gold? Yes.The Winner and future Mr. BYOJJ:Luke Brower (as played by Leonardo DiCaprio)

I'm not sure what the future holds for these two. They might not be a perfect match on paper (and I might just be setting them up for a torrid love affair), but they might be able to make it work. It is really up to Luke to grow up and make this relationship work.

Do you know how much I wanted to use this picture?

I just couldn't say anything positive about Kirk Cameron or any character he played. He is a nut job. Did you know that there were 2 Growing Pains movies after the show ended? Seriously 2 movies: The Growing Pains Movie and Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers. I couldn't watch them before finishing this post, because it might have proved many of my theories wrong (it did give Luke extra points that he was in no way involved in the movies). I'm ashamed to say I might try to watch them in the near future.

Sorry this was long.

Love, emergencypudding

Jeff writes a very funny blog that you should read if you know what is good for you. 1000% BYOJJ endorsed. http://www.emergencypudding.blogspot.com/