Foods I Would Eat if Diagnosed With a Terminal Illness

Here at BYOJJ, we looooove food. If I knew anything about food, I would have started a food blog. But instead, the things I know about are doing the running man, employee benefits, golden retrievers and yacht rock. So I started BYOJJ, which is quite possibly the most pointless blog ever. Anyway, although I don't know much about writing about food, I most certainly know how to eat it. So today we're going to do a little exercise where you think about the food you would eat if you were about to die. Hmmm, that didn't seem nearly as morbid in my mind when I was thinking about this blog post. Sorry. But here's the point. There is food that I absolutely love. But if I ate it all the time, I would be one of those people who has to be removed from her house with a crane. No thanks. So I often think about how if I was diagnosed with SARS or leprosy or H1N1, I would eat anything I wanted, as much as I wanted. So here's what I would eat. You should plan this too. You should go into your fake future terminal illness with an eating plan.

1. PIZZA

I effing love pizza. Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows that I am mildly obsessed with pizza. I just made my second attempt of the week at eating pizza. The second attempt was successful. (Good job, Papa John's--damn, that was an efficient pizza delivery!!). The first attempt...was a freaking disaster. Here's what happened. I went to a concert on Monday night (We Were Promised Jetpacks--excellent show), and had many a beer. When I got home, I really really wanted to eat some pizza. I had a frozen pizza in my freezer that I had been saving for just this sort of occasion. I put the pizza in the oven and sat on my couch wearing my bathrobe over my clothes. The next thing I know, I wake up and it's 5 am. The house is very hazy. Immediately, I realize what I have done. I run to the oven, and here is what I see inside:

That is a pizza, turned into charcoal. I feel like if I would have continued to cook it, maybe it would have become a diamond! Anyway, guess what. This is totally not the first time I have done this. The last time I did this, it was a Trader Joe's frozen pizza and I was really pretty mad at myself to waste such a quality frozen pizza. Note to readers: DO NOT COOK A PIZZA AFTER YOU GET HOME FROM THE BAR. It is a recipe for pizza charcoal. Also, my house still smells like burnt pizza. My clothes smell like burnt pizza. My dog smells like burnt pizza. Disaster. Oh also, the smoke detector never went off. I am totally going to die of my house burning down, rather than a terminal illness. Crap.

In conclusion, I would eat a ton of pizza if I didn't care about getting really fat.

2. RANCH DRESSING

Although pizza is not good for you, I eat it all the damn time. Not so with ranch dressing. Ranch really feels like a disgusting and delicious luxury that I only eat when I am feeling particularly carefree. Do you guys know what is in ranch dressing? Well, I googled it and apparently it typically involves mayo, sour cream, AND buttermilk. Um...who invented ranch?! Someone who wanted to encourage heart attacks and obesity. Okay, actually, it was Hidden Valley. Look, someone had a ranch fountain at a formal event. I'm not sure that even I can get down with this. So many germs...

I'm actually a little bit remorseful right now that I googled the ingredients in ranch. It's even worse for you than I thought it was! I'm sorry, fat free ranch is just not a reasonable alternative. Gross and wrong. But anyway, ranch can be paired with pretty much anything and it will be good. Thank you and DAMN YOU to Hidden Valley for this evil creation.

3. KRISPY KREME DONUTS

Donuts are okay. I generally don't eat a lot of donuts, except this secretary at my old firm used to bring in donut holes and I would stuff like 10 of them in my mouth in about 60 seconds while I got coffee and then pretend I didn't just do that. But to me, Krispy Kremes are not just any donut. They are so damn delicious, it just isn't fair. The Krispy Kreme donut (I'm talking the standard glazed donut here) is so light and fluffy. I swear, I could eat like 10 without stopping. In college, people would sell boxes of Krispy Kremes for fundraisers. No wonder people gain weight in college, because I had no problem dominating boxes of donuts in college.

But what I really want to talk about here is the Krispy Kreme Challenge. This is absolutely awesomely insane. Each year at NC State, there is a race where runners run two miles to the Krispy Kreme store, eat a full dozen donuts, and then run two miles back. You have to complete this in an hour. In 2009, over 5000 people participated in this race. Wikipedia tells me that a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts is 2400 calories and 144 grams of fat. Holy shit, running 4 miles does not make up for that kind of eating. You probably have to run a whole damn marathon to make up for that kind of eating. Still...in my mind this seems glorious, but it's probably absolutely awful to eat a dozen donuts followed by running anywhere other than your couch or to the drawer where you keep your sweatpants.

4. FUNFETTI CAKE, RAINBOW CHIP FROSTING

Rainbow chip frosting is the most delicious frosting ever created. When I was younger, I would eat frosting out of the can. Like...a lot of frosting out of the can. Dude, no wonder the boys called me "thunder thighs" in elementary school. I was thinking about making some cupcakes recently, and the only cupcakes I really would bother to make are funfetti/rainbow chip. And I saw the can of "funfetti" frosting, but it was not what I recalled. It was vanilla frosting with a separate package of sprinkles that you have to mix in. W.T.F.?!?! What I am thinking of is the vanilla frosting with the rainbow chip pieces already mixed in. And I did not see this anywhere. I did a little research on the interwebs and discovered that there is a difference between funfetti and rainbow chip frosting. This guy wrote a whole blog about how much he hates it when people confuse the two.

Okay, truth time. I am acting like I would eat this frosting with actual cake. I wouldn't. I would eat the frosting straight out of the can, maybe with a spoon or maybe with my hands. Who knows. What, you think that's gross? Screw you, I only have 3 weeks to live.

5. TURKEY SANDWICHES

This would be the tallest order of all. The greatest thing about Thanksgiving is making turkey sandwiches out of leftover turkey. There is no turkey in the store that is a sufficient substitute for leftover Thanksgiving turkey. So I would need someone to cook up a turkey for me of which I could then make turkey sandwiches. I would hope that if I was dying, someone would cook me a turkey. The greatest turkey sandwich is like this: wheat bread, mayo, lettuce, turkey. That's it. My lord, I want a turkey sandwich so bad right now. Even though I already ate half a pizza in the last hour. I might have to try my hand at cooking a turkey so I can make this happen, because November is a long time away.

This is getting really long, so I have to stop. I did not get to cover all of the food I would eat. I did not get to discuss how much I love cheese, buffalo chicken EVERYTHING, butterfingers, crab rangoon, or fish tacos from the Royale. Perhaps someday when I have really bad writer's block and can't think of any other inane topics to discuss, I will write a part 2 to the terminal illness blog and discuss other food that is amazing. In the meantime, if anyone is down to go to Raleigh and run that Krispy Kreme race, hit me up.