Drinking=Hot Body. Believe it.

On March 10, 2010, the New York Times published pretty much the greatest study of all time. This study, conducted by Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, concluded...wait for it...that women who regularly consume moderate amounts of alcohol are less likely to gain weight than nondrinkers and are at lower risk for obesity. Uh.....WHAAAAATTTTT? This is completely counterintuitive and in conflict with basically everything I've ever known about weight control. So I figured that the least I could do is come up with some completely unscientific explanations for how all of this is possible, and also therefore, why drinking alcohol is more likely than not to make you look like this:

So here's what happened in the study. They studied over 19,000 women who were 39 and over (let's also pretend that this applies to a younger crowd...say...people who are around 28) over the course of 13 years. About 60% of the women were light to moderate drinkers, and 40% reported drinking no alcohol. Over the course of the study, 41% of the participants got sorta fat. But the nondrinkers gained more weight. Do you hear that?!?! Women who consumed 1-2 alcoholic beverages per day were 30% less likely to become overweight than women who did not drink at all.

You know what this is, ladies? Well, this is effing crazy, for one. Whenever I think about losing a few pounds, the first thing I think about is cutting down on drinking. I never actually follow through on cutting down on drinking, but...I do consider it repeatedly. So it turns out that if I actually cut these drinks out, I would be MORE likely to become a total fatty! Of course this is true! This is definitely true in BYOJJ land, which is the land in which I choose to live. Anyway, this is really great news. Next thing I know, a study is going to come out that says that people who eat pizza at least 3 times a week are less likely to be overweight than people who never eat pizza.

I did some "scientific" brainstorming that expresses some hypotheses on how someone who drinks could be thinner than someone who doesn't. Check it:

The main point is that drinking gives you a hot body. This is not true at all. But it is possibly true that drinking makes you more active--you may be more likely to dance for 3 hours or walk home 2 miles in high heels from the bar when it's like 20 degrees outside, which will definitely make you start crying. Or engage in physical feats like arm wrestling competitions against random people in bars. Although the foregoing list is derived from my own experiences, in general, drinking does not make me more active. It makes me (a) pass out, and/or (b) want Taco Bell. But I could see how you might burn some calories when drinking.


Another possibility is that there is some correlation between people who work out a lot and people who drink. Again, this doesn't make sense logically because people who work out may be healthy types, and people who are into being healthy probably don't drink. But whatever. I know that my friends who are into running marathons are also really into drinking beer. I know that after derby practice, I go drink with my teammates all the time. I know that I am drinking a beer right now, but I am *thinking* about running 10 miles tomorrow. When you exercise a lot, you can drink and it won't make you fat. So there we go. Exercise cancels out alcohol calories.

The study said that the reason ladies can drink and not gain weight is because women will substitute alcohol for food, rather than increasing their overall caloric intake. There is also some indication that drinking red wine prevents obesity. If this is true, I am never ever going to be obese and neither are any of my friends. Thank you, "Chillable Red" Franzia.

Also, how about these jello shots?! I love jello shots and I think this picture is cool. I think when I have my BYOJJ party, I am going to make a shitload of jello shots. Get excited.

Bad news though. None of this applies to men. Men who drink moderately are likely to gain weight. Sorry, dudes. Beer=beer belly. I think there are a lot of things that would be awesome about being a guy. You know, not having to wear make-up, no glass ceiling, being able to pee anywhere, etc. But for once--GIRLS ARE VICTORIOUS!!! I think I'll have a drink to celebrate.