I ate something horrifying today!! WTF Necco!?!!?

I feel weird about having yet another Valentine's Day-related post this week. I'm not obsessed with Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day, I am going to wake up in Memphis (I will be there for a roller derby bout) and I will try to get my roller derby teammates to go do something Elvis-related and then stop at Lambert's Cafe (where they literally throw rolls at you--unsanitary but totally awesome!!) on the way back to the STL. So no, I am not obsessed with Valentine's Day.

But I AM obsessed with Valentine's Day candy. If I didn't have self-control (or a dentist), I would eat a pretty insane amount of heart-shaped candy in the month of February. There is a lot of really quality candy in the middle aisle of Walgreen's right now. But my very favorite are Sweethearts conversation hearts.

*Edit* This WAS my favorite candy, probably of all time, until 2010 when some seriously effed up shit went down at Necco. Necco, for the first time in 145 years (by the way, can you believe Necco has been around that long? Do you think FDR or Albert Einstein ever ate a conversation heart?), discarded all of the phrases previously known and loved on its conversation hearts. Now, the hearts feature phrases selected by the "American public." Okay, I have to be honest, I usually don't even look at the phrases, so I don't really care that the hearts now say things like "puppy love" and "you rock." I thought it was an interesting trend when Necco started reflecting new technology in the conversation heart phrases ("text me") and it was probably about time for one to say "tweet at me" or something. But I'll be honest. I just ate a whole box and forgot to look at the phrases so I don't know if they still say anything relevant to 2010.

Although I could not care less about the phrases, I do care about the new flavors and formula. Yes, new flavors. And new formula. I guess there were flavors before. I know the orange ones were vaguely orange-ish, but the other ones just tasted like...pink...or white...or purple. Now the flavors are strawberry, green apple, lemon, grape, orange and blue raspberry. Necco notes on its website that "the new Sweethearts have been re-formulated to be softer and more fun to eat." Uh really?!?! More fun to eat? Are you kidding me?? I just ate a whole box and I did not have fun at all. I feel sort of depressed and like I need to brush my teeth.

Okay guess what. I am officially pissed. My favorite thing about a box of conversation hearts were the yellow ones. I think the flavor may have been banana, but it really just tasted like yellow conversation heart. Mmmmm...yellow #6. I consulted a real candy blog (hey, you gotta trust someone who would write a blog exclusively about candy. I'm sure someone would cite to me if they were writing something about jock jams) and the blogger had called Necco about this debacle and spoken to the vice president of marketing. Apparently, people don't like banana, and don't expect yellow conversation hearts to be banana. But seriously, who likes lemon flavored candy, other than lemon drops? Didn't Jolly Rancher make lemon Jolly Ranchers at some point? I'm sure that they were the last ones consumed, just as grape is now the least popular flavor. If I ever buy a bag of Jolly Ranchers, I am left at the end with a bag full of grape Jolly Ranchers. How can grape Jolly Ranchers still exist?

Oh yeah, I did not tell you the most important part about all of this. The new conversation hearts are soooooooooooooo gross x 100. If I can find 5 people who think that the new conversation hearts are superior to the previous tried and true variety, I will invite all of you over for a party. You will have to BYOJJ but I will provide the liquor.

Last thing. I'm sure none of you feel as passionately about this as I do, but if you happen to buy a box of conversation hearts and want to barf when you try them, please contact Necco and give them a piece of your mind. You know I will. One time Delta lost my luggage when I went to Hawaii and I wrote them a letter so mean, they paid for all the clothes I had to buy and gave me a travel voucher for anywhere I wanted to go. Anyway, then when the regular Sweethearts return to the store in a year, we can feel personally responsible. This is a social movement I can get behind.